I just spent a full week with my mom and family as part of my yearly allotted vacation time. In years past I would never have spent a full week, but as I get older I find that I value family more and more. Things that I used to consider meaningful such as debates over this or that concept have really lost their draw. Now, I just want to spend time and energy together enjoying one another’s company. Both parties have to want to do just that in order for it to work and I fully realize that not all families have this as a priority. Family structures are very complex what with all the history and differing personalities. We do the best we can with what we are given and as I get older I find that I want to fight less and to love more and this leads me down the path of inclusion and allowance. There are many choices and this one is mine.
You have heard it said many times that “we don’t choose our family” and that is the truth as far as we know in this reality and will remain a mystery until that ‘viel’ is lifted (whenever that might be). So, our family is given to us and it is the only blood family that we will ever have. Yes, we all make other ‘families’ of people with shared beliefs and passions and this is great too, but keeping your blood family in your life knitted together with acceptance and love, wherever possible, can go a long way to keeping your spirit whole. People will always have their differences; that comes from being human with one’s own mind, thoughts and formed beliefs.
As a youngster we are invested in what we think and what makes us who we are. We spend time and energy expounding and defending those concepts and we like to spend time with those who feel the same way as we do and we are naturally dissuaded by those who do not. I can safely say that our society is rooted in this behavior: assumes it and encourages it. As we get older we get no choice about facing the reality that we are very mortal and if we are smart we will want to make the most of what we have in this life. One thing that most of us have and that many overlook is family. We take them for granted. We write them off as kooks in some scenarios or we let family squabbles rob us of the precious time that we have here on Earth with them; it is a waste of energy, opportunity and time. We all die and we all pay taxes. If need be that is a base of commonality where we can all agree. Most of us will be able to start off many levels higher up than this one, but the point is that even in dire situations we have much in common from which to build.
Family friction also can deprive children of building relationships with their kin. In essence, it leaves them family-less. There are many reasons to feed familial relationships (in most cases), not the least of which is children. We are not all islands unto ourselves, but many times we act as though we are and in that action we can literally leave our kids in that exact spot.
One of the most deeply satisfying feelings is having meaningful, healing conversations with your family. This happens sometimes as an all-of-a-sudden moment when you realize that you just had a conversation that woudn’t have been possible in the past and yet for some reason the particulars have come together that allowed it just now, the particular elements in each person. When you feel this rush of release and the deep satisfaction of small victories with your relations there is a sense of deep peace and ease that makes it all worth the effort. It is in that moment that you realize the effort that is put in on both sides in order to come together. We all know that it takes effort to maintain family relations. They are like any relationship: if you let them lie fallow, they will die. It is not only you that puts in the required energy on this; the other person does as well. We all like to think that we are the most friendly, easy to relate to and communicate with, people in the world, but this is just simply not so. It takes perseverance, patience and love to keep healthy family relationships alive.
People are never going to agree on everything. Holding out until people come over to your view or your ‘side of the fence’ is never going to happen. It’s unrealistic. It’s out of your hands. What is within reach is loving your family members as they are. Seeing the light within them as they are, accepting them as they are, accepting yourself as you are and moving forward with this mutual respect.
The result of this kind of openness: the willingness to be vulnerable and to set aside ego, if even for a moment, is peace. To see the relationship with family as more important than the ideas that we live within day in and day out will see us surrounded by those we love instead of all alone in our ivory tower of idealism. We must make the best of what we have and I think love is the better choice, at least for me.